MEMO... PINK INK
I remember this line from Bring it on 2..(Bethany Joy Lenz) Marney said in her most antagonist manner.."Memo..pink ink... I'm gonna be the next cheer leader, HI!"Well, I'm not really going to review Bring it on movie.. it's just that the "memo thing" lingers to me. First time in my life I received a memo. When i was younger, all I know about memo is something like a cork board where Mama posts her reminders to her staff. I didn't really know what its for. YUP, I got it, they say once you get three, like baseball game--you'll be out in no time. It's just so funny that just when I am about to leave my job, I was not able to exit without it. When I received it from my boss, I just said"Nah, I have to answer this..nosebleed!LOL" I know I shouldn't feel good about it, or too much frustrated either. That memo will always remind me that i have not been productive for two episodes. But what can i do? I can't find fresh rape victims or battered wife everyweek. But that, I cannot tell to my reply letter. Sometimes, you know you're not dumb, but if everyone's expected to deliver and you work in an output based field, you cannot help but to feel you are one big dumb, and that sucks.Anyways, just help me out for my written explanation..LOL
A Struggle between FATE and FAITH
I'm certain of who I worship.. that's one thing for sure. I believe that my God has better plans for me and He listens to our prayers.
I have no doubt He is all-mighty and omnipotent.
But at certain point of my life (it was just this evening, I actually had a long day), there was a time that I wonder for some things I wish to happen and decide for my action to make those things happen.
Just yesterday, I encountered a kid who needs help. though she wasn't really a potential story and my mother theresa blood flows into it's highest level, I decided that I will help this girl and make her see her worth in this world eventhough she said she was sexually abused. I actually feel sorry for her and I know she needs help eventhough she's kinda stubborn and hard headed kid. I know where she's coming from. I feel pity that she can't see the light that I always see since i was young. All I see in her eyes is the shadow of her past, a short span in fact, but like a shadow, it's there wherever she goes. I want her to learn how to dream, to respect herself and see the future... but then I realize, how can I?
I know I have been this kind of person because of my environment and influences. I thank Mama a lot for being such a wonderful mom and for being a role model as a good christian and person. If she failed to do so, I might be seeing shadows same as with the girls eyes. I realized that I was just forcing her to see what my eyes can only see.
***
In my research class back then, one memorable line that I encountered from our key informant is when he said : "Kayo yung dapat nakakaunawa sa amin kasi kayo, pag mulat ng mata nyo liwanag agad ang nakita nyo. Kami yung nasa madilim na landas, nangangapa pa kami, kayo yung mag-guide samin sa dapat naming puntahan"
(You should be the first one to understand us because whenever you open your eyes, you see light in an instant. We are still in the dark stage, you should be the one to guide our paths)
***
Ok, so I decided.. I can't let this kid just go and let her be. I prayed. I said :
"Lord, help me help this girl. Just guide me to do what I have to do"
I took her to where she resides and confronted her family since no shelter can accomodate her for legal reasons. At least I know, I did not let her go out from the office not knowing if she got home safe and sound when for infact, the social workers where she resides should do that. The barangay officials also intervene. I feel a little satisfied of what i did.
And then, I thought of weird thing. I said : wow, I did something good today.
then i remember the saying that our life is based on FATE. Everything that is happening has something to do with it.. nevertheless.. our FREEWILL is deprived.
Have I really done something good today or is it my FATE to do it? It's like my choice to help out is useless since it will still happen because it is planted like a seed. Weird....
So what's the use of free will if everything will happen even if you decide or not.
***
well, this is just part of my crazy world. Maybe i just think this way because of stress at work but it is something worth discussing. but not now, geesh..let me sleep..
First PAYCHECK
happy...productive..fulfilled This is what i exactly felt when i got my first paycheck after a month of hardwork and when i say hard work---i mean 'HARD WORK". It was and still has not been an easy job to be a researcher. I remember in my college years, what I'm not really fond of is researching. I even feel sick whenever i enter a library. I'm into production--visual and something that would not require me to just be confined in one place and just read. Until I had my Communication Research class under Sir Joeven. I must admit, (OK, Sir..here's a good PR for you) sometimes, things get interesting when someone is capable of making it one. And yes, I tell you, I really spent time, money and sweat on our thesis but i never regret it because it's a good foundation especially to where i am right now. I remember what my mentor told us back then: "always think of things and topics that will be beneficial to the marginalized sector of the society" and our group did. We studied about how Children-in-conflict-with-the-law are being labeled by the society and how they deserve second chance.
Next thing I know, I'm here... entitled RESEARCHER. It's really ironic that I'm not into this but now Im really into this business. But if there's one thing that I'm really proud of, is that i know that my learnings from my thesis is applied in everything that i do. It's just that sometimes, i have to consider things that are for TV but i'm still trying to help out. Back to the paycheck--- it's fulfilling because at long last i have my own money. the fruit of my labor. and i tell you, my work is not a JOKE. I'm just happy. it's not really the money that matters, it's about seeing yourself growing independently.
Regaining yourself and moving forward
(for my batchmates who might be experiencing or had experienced the same stages upon entering the real world) When we're still in college, we complain whenever our professors give us assignments. We hate them for giving us quizzes and we are deaf to their endless sermons. Back then, it's so easy for us to tell them that we were not able to find what they want us to search on. They will just either fail us in our 20% assignment or give us extension for the deadline. Everything had been favorable to us. I remember when I was in vacation just this April, a friend of mine shared "my father wants me to be a fisherman, ( I'm about to ask why) he wants me to search for my fish because the fish will never initiate to be caught anyway", he continued. Thinking of what he said, I realized--- it's true especially to us, the fresh graduates. Each of us must be a fisherman if we dream for something and that dream can only be a reality if we do something to achieve it. Now, the moment of truth. The JOB SEARCH. Who among us passed more than five resumes to ABS-CBN or GMA7? Who dared to apply on some multinational companies or events companies? Who among US are already hired, who among US has experienced rejection or being over-qualified? And who among US plans to still enjoy the heat of the sun? I myself had passed many resumes on different companies. I tell you--it's never easy. You will wait for a call, e-mail or even text message until slowly, you'll feel sorry for yourself. "What's wrong with me? Am I not that good? Am I incompetent?" and the likes. Then, the feeling will get worse when your family or friends start to ask "how is it going?", you'll be frustrated and worst-- you'll lose confidence in yourself. But if you fail to control the feeling then that feeling will control you. Tell you what-- I MANAGED. This is not a mere coping mechanism but in a way it is. I would rather call this a realization and an inspirational thought for my fellow fresh graduates. There will really come a time that you'll feel sorry for yourself but be STRONG especially to those who have been achievers in the class. Never lose faith in yourself. No matter how bad it is. We will fall many times, but what would really define our totality is how many times we stand despite everything. At the end, you'll realize--- no one will ever believe you if you don't have faith to yourself and to the Supreme Being above all of us. This is the reality. Now our professors will no longer be around to nag us whenever we fail the quizzes and all. I regret that I never gave effort to listen to the news back then but it is not too late for me I guess. Now, I am a news junkie because "I want to" more than "I have to". I am thankful that my God allowed me to feel the reality. That not everything is easy in this world. But despite that, I thank Him for standing behind me because I might have fallen too much if he weren't at my back. I remember before my interview at GMA7, I searched for the tips on how to be at your best during interview; it says there "Do not bring anyone during interview". But I opted to bring someone with me. I brought along God because I feel empty without Him in my life. And because of that, I believe I got hired. Now I am just waiting for a show so I can start as a researcher. The program I might be in is indeed challenging one but I will give it a shot. I'd rather try and be rejected than to never try at all. And as promised, I will make my family and my FEU family proud. Fellow fresh grads, back then I planned to write a blog on how I wanted to regain my faith in God because I can't feel the way I do like when I was active in YFC (because of busy schedule in school). But now I know, this is the right time to share how I let Him enter my heart again. Let me share this verse (forgive me, I can't recall the verse and chapter) it says.. "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I'M GOD" whenever I feel in despair, there's a song "STILL" which says: "When the oceans rise and thunders roar, I will soar with You above the storm. Father You are King over the flood, I will be still and know You're God" As we take our real journey, may the Heavenly Buddy we believed in remain in our hearts. And to our incoming Seniors, just follow our professors--- they're the best and they'll lead you on the right track. And never forget to thank HIM and embrace HIM in our lives. To sum it up, Let's all be a fisher man and BE STILL even walking on the water. hahaha.. GOD bless us all. please pray for me.
Getting Married
OKAY..
It's not what you think. Nope, I'm not getting married. I actually doubt if I'll even have one. Lately, I've been having reflection on things around me; my job-as a researcher in a show which aims to protect women and children; my somewhat you may call a lovelife, if you can consider it and my past relationships.
Since our program is a hotline for the abused women, most of the calls that I've been receiving talks more on how can they have financial support because they are abandoned, how can they sue... blah blah.. but there's just a common denominator in all these---MEN. These women suffer because of the flowery promises that they'll have a happy ending not knowing that they'll end up with bruises and heartaches. One thing that really struck me is when someone called me and she just wanted someone to talk to. I don't know why despite my stressful day at work and I'm getting near to my deadline, I still managed to talk to her for like thirty minutes. I don't know... I feel that I have to talk to her and give her comfort. She's married for 50 years and for the passed 50 years thinking it was a perfect one to keep, her husband turned out having a romatic affair with someone else. He even hurt her physically out of nowhere. This was the only time I ran out of words because she wants nothing but someone to listen to her. To some, I just answer "under RA9262, you are provided...blah blah"--- and I feel that no law can lessen the pain of her broken heart. Before her, I also had a caller, married for two years. She also didn't want to sue her husband, she just wanted to escape from the nightmare and live far from her husband. But comparing the two, 50 years is still 50 years but reality check, years of relationship doesn't really matter if within those years are build with lies. I'm not saying that there's never a "REAL LOVE" in some part of those years, it's just that---TRUST has been broken and it's hard to earn it again.
I don't want to destroy men's image in your eyes, girls, ayt? Even I look up to my father as if he was the best father and husband eventhough he died when I was young. I also have someone so special to me and I believe he's a good person. It's just that sometimes, my work makes me realize the possible endings of a relationship. I don't want to be beaten up but I still want a relationship someday either for good or not. One thing is for sure, try to hurt me... I have a gun..LOL!---------------
Anyway, my second topic is about my past relationships. There's this someone I asked what he thinks of me and he said: YOU'RE SWEET, HONEST... PROBABLY A KIND OF GIRL THAT A GUY WANTS TO KEEP AS HIS GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE
I replied out of nowhere: I DON'T THINK SO.
Yeah, at first, it just came out to my mouth but then after realizing what I've said--- I know there's always underlying principle behind it (WOW, psychology!) Since then, I started asking myself. " if I were that person, why is it that I'm still single? Why is it that my past relationships didn't last? What went wrong? Is it the person, or sad to ask..is it me? I don't know but one day out of the blue, I started browsing my ex's number on my phone. I'm certain that I don't want to go back to them, I just want to ask questions. I just feel that they are the most credible person to ask how was I as a partner. I even want to set a day with them and go billiards or I don't know-- just to bond with them. I just want to be a better person in the future or if I have been good enough-maybe I'll just avoid the things they used to hate about me. I want to prepare myself for someone whom I might spend the rest of my days with (so far.. never mind) It's just so frustrating sometimes knowing that eventhough you know you're doing fine, still you end up alone.
One of my ex's (anyway, there's just three and all long terms) replied to me when I asked him, "What do you like most about me?", he said, " EVERYTHING, but if I were to choose one, you're CARING. You care a lot in almost every aspect of me to the point that you forget your own needs. If I were to choose someone to spend the rest of my days, it'll be you but I know you're happy and I have hurt you".
It's flattering to hear those words, but still, if I were the girl a guy wants to keep, why is it that I'm.. umm..you know.. single.( I'm not promoting that I'm single, nor wanting to have a partner. I'm just asking myself, ayt?) And then I told him, "so do you think I should care less?"
"That's not the point", he said just love enough.
I can't remember anymore what's next.
But in the end, I realize, maybe I just need to love myself for now. It's hard because I have a big heart for everyone that I love and still this big heart feels empty at the end of the day. I have been hurt many times, it may happen again--- the thing is, should you stop loving wholeheartedly over and over again just because you'll get hurt in the end? Tell you what... "THE PAIN WILL STILL BE THE SAME LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN".
My point is, I don't need to play it safe when I fall in love, you'll just get the same pain so why not give the fullest of it. At least you can tell yourself on the finish line, "I'D TRIED AND GAVE IT A SHOT" no regrets... no thinking of the could have's and should have's..
I'm tired now, if there are typographical errors, I'll just check it later. I'm still doing some stuff here.
I'll write a book someday. about a girl bonding with the ex's..LOL